heart wrenching lesson

Living up to my true "blog stalker" style, I was checking all my regular blogs yesterday when my friend at work started to talk to me about a particular blog she had found. She told me it was heart breaking but that I should check it out. I typed in the address not really ready for the emotional spiral I was about to slide down. "Heart breaking", as my friend so simply put it, did not even begin to describe it. The blog is written by a mom who lost her little girl in May last year from choking on a piece of an apple. Her little girl was a month away from turning two and they were just getting out of church one Sunday when it happened. I found myself going all the way back to when Lucy died and reliving the whole experience with her. It is the saddest thing I have ever read and before I knew it I had tears streaming down my face praying that her next entry would be a better day and she could feel joy again. She is such an eloquent writer and I could just feel her grief pouring out of the computer as she described trying to accept what happened and learn to cling to her Savior and the knowledge that she will see her again. It got so emotional for me as I was reading about when she told Lucy goodbye for the last time that I had to remind myself to breathe and then I had to turn it off for awhile to get a grip on myself. I found myself imagining having to kiss Tylie or Mason one last time and knowing I would never get to wrap them in my earthly arms again. The meer thought of it makes my heart stop. I couldn't forget about her all day and I kept thinking that if I am feeling this way by simply reading what she wrote, somebody that has never met her in my life, how must she feel everyday trying to move on? I couldn't sleep last night because I realized that this is my greatest fear. I have stupid fears of heights, dogs, and drowning but none of that compares to the fear that I have of losing Jake or one of my kids. It is something that I don't know if I could ever recover from. I understand that we are only given the trials that we can handle and that is probably why I haven't been given that trial but it really rocks me to the core when I see someone having to live out my worst nightmare. The only thing I can get out of this experience is to be grateful. I look around and get really frustrated with the economy and the way the world is but in the end none of that matters because I have my family and no bank or creditor can ever take that away from me. Last night after I put Tylie to bed I snuggled down to read my book before I turned in for the night. About 20 minutes later, tylie was standing in my doorway asking me if she could sleep in my bed until daddy got home. Normally this would make me grumble a little bit and I would chase her back to bed but last night was different. As I looked into her sweet face I realized that someone in Park City would give their entire world if they could have their little girl beg to sleep in their bed. She would cling to every word that spilled out of Lucy's mouth and scoop her up as fast as she could get to her. It made me very grateful and humble. I am going to do better. I am not going to let this crazy world get to me. I am going to look around at what I have a little more often, and I am going to be grateful.

The web address for this blog is http://www.jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com/. I am warning you ahead of time before you go there. It is tough to read but once you start you won't be able to stop. Let me know what you think if any of you dare to go there.