A good day

I went to the doctor's yesterday for my weekly appointment. I am pleased to report that everything is good. No progress has happened and the baby is still tucked comfortably inside my bulging belly. It was a good day.

There was a moment though, while I was there, that I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. I was having an ultrasound done to find out certain measurements to ensure nothing has progressed. I have had this done several times now and every time the baby is in the way and the poor ultrasound tech has to push him out of the way. Yesterday was no different. He was in the way and she began to try to push him out of the way. He was being obstinate and with each minute that went by, she pushed harder and harder. She kept apologizing profusely and I kept assuring her that I was fine. After a while though, it began to hurt. I could feel her pushing on my sciatic nerve. Finally, she just started to laugh. "You have got to see this," she said. She moved the ultrasound picture high up on my stomach and pointed to the screen. She did this as she continued to push on the baby. "Look!" I would not have believed it if I didn't see it myself. The baby had both feet pinned against my uterus wall and was pushing back! "I don't see this very often," she told me, "Sometimes I can't move them because they are too big but it rarely happens that they fight me like he is." I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. Please tell me that this is not a precursor to his personality. I have been telling myself this baby will be mild and create a middle ground between Tylie and Mason. Now I am worried. I hope that he doesn't make Mason look like a kitty cat. I guess we will find out.

Right now he is good. He is not causing too many problems other than kicking me in the bladder far too often. He is a little too anxious to come but he is obeying for now and for that I am grateful.

I have said over and over that this one needs a little spunk to defend himself from Mason. Now I am concerned that the tables will turn and Mason will be the one defending. Or maybe the baby was just having a bad day yesterday and was tired of being prodded around. Yes, that's it. It was just a bad day. My mild little one will come. I am sure of it!

Here are a few pics from my one of my last outing before I got put on bedrest. Fourth of July. We were able to get a parade and BBQ in. Loved it!

Blank Walls

Summer is quickly slipping away. One part of me longs for time to slow down and wait for me to catch up. I want summer to stop until I can get back out in the sun again. Another part of me wants August to disappear and the calender to magically show that I made it to September. September 1st will be a calming day for me if I can make it. I will be 34 weeks at the point and the chance of the baby being healthy is good. So with this contradiction spinning in my head and me not able to do a thing about it, I lay here and stare at blank walls.
My family is wonderful and day after day they show up at my door and whisk my children off to family reunions, swimming pools, BBQs, birthday parties, weddings, and parades. I kiss their cheeks before they leave and eat their salt water taffy when they get home. I am glad that just because I have to miss out on summer that they don't have to but I can't help but feel jealous each time they skip out the door.

I think I have finally wrapped my mind around this. My baby is ok. I am ok. Nothing is life threatening at this point. I just have to lay down. I am starting to realize ( with Jake constant nagging in my ear ) that each day I am down is a day that my baby is not in the NICU. That knowledge does help me get through this. I would rather be down than burning up the highway between my house and a sick baby I have to leave in the hospital. I feel very blessed by all the prayers and service that have been offered in my behalf. It is humbling.

This is a summer that I will never forget but it is highly undocumented. Usually I would be out snapping pictures of all the fun activities we are doing. I would be organizing them neatly on my computer for my future blog book. As much as I want to immortalize this season with pictures, I just don't think that pictures of my walls are that appealing. I will just have to make up for lost time in the fall.

I hope all is well with the outside world. I hope you are all soaking in a little extra sun for me. I am 2 weeks down and 4 weeks to go. I will make it. September 1st will come. Unless the world ends on August 2nd and the US defaults on their loans. That could be the end of the world. But if not, I will continue to lay on my couch repeating my latest mantra... "This too shall pass."

Overwhelmed

I don't have a medical degree. I left that up to my brother and sister. I don't know anything about how to properly insert an IV or how to take an X-Ray. But there are a few very basic truths I do know. I know when your skin is cut and you start bleeding special blood cells and platelets rush to the source and stop the flow.
This is how I have felt this week. Although my injuries were not physically visible, I felt very much wounded. I felt as though there was a flow that, no matter how many tears I bathed my wounds in, the bleeding could not be plugged.
I am so grateful for the army that came rushing to my aid. This is the army Heavenly Father has assembled and they sit on the sidelines waiting for the alarm to sound. All it took was one small post on facebook for me to sound my alarm and they came rushing in without hesitation.
So, to that army who has unceasingly helped me and my family this week. Thank you for all the calls, texts, meals, books, toys, mowed lawns, frozen pizzas, and medical aid. Thank you for whisking my kids away and helping them adjust to this new way of life. They still think this is the best week of their lives. Thank you for letting me cry while I tried to wrap my head around what was happening. I have often felt guilty this week because it all seems too much. But I needed every bit of it. It is such a comfort to feel your hands of support on my back as I walk down this unknown road.
Thank you for investing so much time to us this past week. I hope that is exactly what it is- an investment. One day my road will become smooth again and I will be back in the ranks with you. I will anxiously await for an alarm to sound and when it does, I will respond without hesitation. I will work unceasingly until I have made you feel the love that I have felt this week. Until that time comes, please accept my simple thank you. Your love is not going unnoticed.

Discouraged

I have so much on my mind that I don't even know where to begin. Let me start at square one. About 6 weeks ago I walked into my doctor's office ready for that appointment every pregnant woman dreams of. It was the day for my ultrasound. I was excited to find out what the gender was of this little one (even though I was quite sure it was a boy), I wanted the reassurance he was growing ok, and I was hoping he would give us a good profile picture to put in a future baby album. The ultrasound went much as I expected. It is a boy (I knew it!) and he was growing fine. There was one small thing though. I noticed the ultrasound tech kept going back to a certain measurement- no on the baby- but somewhere else. I wasn't sure what it was but she didn't seem too concerned so I decided I wouldn't be either. Once the ultrasound was complete, she left the room and Jake began to speak cautiously. "I think something is wrong. Not sure what it is but she kept going back to that one spot."
When we finally got to the doctor he explained that I had a shortened cervix. "Ok," I thought, "what the heck is that?" He went on to explain my cervix is just thinning out prematurely and could cause premature labor. He told me to take it easy- no running, lifting, or vacumming. I left the office with a future appt. for another ultrasound and a great excuse for making Jake do a lot more house work. Life seemed good. Several weeks later, I was walking through the mall and I began to feel contractions. I called my doctor and they had me come in to find out what was going on. Sure enough, things had progressed much further than they should and this baby boy was trying to come far too soon. Before I knew it, I had steroid shots to help the baby's lungs mature, another round of steroids to keep my uterus healthy, shots at home Jake has to give me, and pills to stop the contractions. I was ordered straight to bed rest and told that if I don't obey, I will admitted to the hospital to keep me down. I was hearing things about making it to 34 weeks, babies in NICU, and fighting to make it to September.
This is when the fear set in. Suddenly my body wasn't good enough to hold my baby. His life was at risk and it was my fault. I am his mom and now the only way to help him was to lay down and not get up. The guilt set in shortly after. I remembered that I have two other kids that are already here and have needs as well. The problem is what they need and what this baby needs are completely opposite. There is no way I can serve them all.
So here I am... struggling to say the least. I have accepted that I have to stay down to save my baby. I recognize I must let others in to help me through this time. I am struggling to shake the guilt I feel regarding Jake and the kids. I hate that I have essentially left Jake to be a single dad. I hate that I am not a productive member of this family. I hate that there are dishes in the sink and I sit here and stare at them knowing I shouldn't do them. My heart broke this morning as the kids left to play with thier cousins. I was so sad to see them go. I knew they needed to go because I can't take care of them. I, selfishly, wanted them to stay so I could somehow still feel like I maintained my identity as a mom. I miss them. This house gets really quiet without them. I am sad, depressed, and lonely. I pray to the heavens that my body will be able to hold this baby until he is ready to come. I pray that I can overcome these feelings of helplessness and accept my role right now. But this I know for sure- This will be a summer that I will never forget!

Treasure Hunt

It all began on a warm summer day. Jake was working on finishing the club house and Tylie was by his side, eager to assist in anyway she could. Jake began to reveal the story of "Blackbeard the Pirate" and before I knew it, Tylie was gushing to me about the great treasure hunt she and dad were going on. Shortly after cousins arrived and I thought the great treasure had been all lost and forgotten. At ten thirty that night, I waved good bye to family and closed the door. I turned around to order Tylie and Mason upstairs to brush their teeth and get pajamas on and I saw the look. Tylie had the look on her face that I know all too well.She had something up her sleeve. She rushed over to Jake and began to spill out the plan of action. She insisted that they had to treasure hunt under the cover of darkness so that nobody would attempt to steal the map if they found it. Chuckling to myself, I looked at Jake wondering how he was going to get out of this one. To my amazement, he jumped into the fantasy with her and began gathering tools, flashlights, and shovels to begin their journey. "What the heck! It is ten thirty and this fat pregnant woman is tired," is all I could think. None the less, Jake was on the train now and it was leaving the station. I could either jump aboard or get run over. Considering the slack I would receive of being a party pooper, I jumped aboard. So there we are, trapsing around the neighborhood in the dark of night. Somehow we ended back at our house and found that crazy Blackbeard had buried the map right in our own backyard!

The next day, Tylie was still driving that train a hundred miles an hour and Jake and I were just trying to hold on. Once again, we found ourselves with shovels headed out to the great beyond to find the treasure. We packed a picnic lunch because pregnant hunters were concerned that this hunt might take longer than expected. And we were off.....

Tylie was at the helm. She had her map and binoculars. She knew exactly what she was looking for. A city by mountains with eagles ( Eagle Mountain- very clever Blackbeard!), a bunch of trees, a pile of rocks, a large hill, and finally a large X to mark the spot. Jake obediently turned at every command. We ended up clear out past Cedar Fort near five mile pass.


Once we located the spot Tylie, Mason, and I had to drop dad off and go around the hill and hide. Dad had to make sure that there were no pirates guarding the treasure and he would call us back once safety was guaranteed. The area was deemed pirate free- we came back.

We hunted until we found the X.

And commenced digging.

Until we found the treasure. Tyliecould hardly believe her eyes. Sure enough, under that X, was a treasure. Hundreds of years old. Strangely there was a Rapunzel doll ( a movie made just last year ) and candy bars that were still good. It was filled with money, glow sticks, and cars for Mason. She felt bad for the kids that Blackbeard stole all this stuff from but figured she would just take care of all of it for them.

The treasure hunt was fun and quite the adventure for all involved. Jake has since been instructed to keep the fairy tales on the weekends and to avoid disturbing bed time. I know- I am the party pooper!