I have had sweaty palms all day long. It is freezing cold outside but I randomly break out into cold sweats and my heart starts racing. As hard as I try, I could not focus today and my mind kept going back to the same thing. First thought- I am getting sick. I don't have a sore throat, my stomach is fine, I am not running a fever. Second thought- Something is going to happen that is earth altering, mind blowing, life changing even. Whenever something is going to change my first reaction is to run and hide. Avoid any change, keep everything the same. This must be it. Are we going to move? Is Jake going to change jobs? Is my house going to burn down? Then, amid all these chaotic thoughts, the skies cleared and the answer was clear. All though this event is life altering to me, it is not going to have any lasting affects on my family. Today was going to bring one of those mom moments that I am going to go through my whole life. Tylie was getting her first real haircut. Her appointment was at three and it seemed like the day was crawling and flying all together. I just wanted it over with. I love her hair. Her hair has always grown so fast and she was always the only little girl in nursery with a long pony tail hanging down her back. Lately has proven difficult though. She cries as if I am beating her everytime I bring the brush out of the drawer. She runs, hides, and then breaks down when I find her and drag her out. The usual treats and cartoon tricks aren't working anymore and I always feel like someone is going to call DCFS if they come to my house in the middle of the process. As the time grew near, I began to get sad and Tylie knew it. She was so excited and everytime she saw my long face, she would tenderly grab my hand and tell me not to worry because it "would come back again." I asked her to pose for a few shots so I could post her "before and after".

When the photos ops were through, I hugged her and ran my fingers through her hair one last time. Then she looked up at me, as innocent as she could be, and said "mom, I have an idea. Let's say a prayer and Heavenly Father will make you feel better." This only brought tears to my eyes that my daughter knows where to go when she feels sad. I let her say a prayer and then I forced a smile on my face so she would know the prayer worked. All in all, I was just being a drama queen. We cut off six inches, added a few layers, and feathered around her face. It is still past her shoulders and capable of holding ponytails and braids. I know, I know- this is ridiculous. Just wait until first day of kindergarten!

Caselot sales

I love caselot sales. It is a weird obsession I have. Whenever I get a grocery ad advertising a caselot sale, I squeal with delight and do a little jig on my kitchen floor. I just get a kick out of buying food in bulk and restocking my food storage. I know what you are all thinking- "That is what Costco is for, you idiot! They sell in bulk everyday!" I know, I know. And I am a regular shopper of Costco but there is just something that gets to me when they mark the 10 cents off the cans and put their sexy little red signs above the large stacks of cardboard boxes. I just feel like I am ripping the off and they do not realize that I just robbed them of their groceries. Yes, I am gullible and they just love shoppers like me. ANYWAY... I was at yet another caselot sale the other day and I just about peed my pants when I saw that I had got there early enough to get their sugar cases. The sugar was stacked about 7 boxes high and remembering my last experience of trying to be superwoman at a sale like this, I was not about to try to scale the stack and pull down my own box. It was about sixty pounds of solid sweetness and I could just picture myself dropping it and creating a sugar land mess for them to clean up. As I scanned the store to locate some incredible hulk stock boy to help me get this down, I came up with nothing. They had all scurried off the second that I walked into the store. I saw a cute girl quietly putting out some fresh produce. I figured that I would ask her and then she could go in the back and pull one of those stock boys out of their hiding place to help me. She smiled politely and asked me what box I wanted. Then to my utter amazement and embarrassment, this 90 pound high school cheerleader waltzed over to that stack, lifted that box over her head like it was filled with feathers, and then patiently waited for me while I scrambled to make room for it on my cart. I felt so sheepish! Why couldn't I do that? Just a moment ago, I watched her and thought that she was straining with the fruit she was putting out. I didn't realize that she had super human powers tucked under that little Smiths apron she was wearing. As she walked away I tried to check and see if she was sporting a Superwoman uniform under her work clothes. I didn't see one so I had to draw the only plausible conclusion there was left. I am a wimp. An extreme wimp. I am thinking after bring embarrassed twice in a row at these case lot sales that I need to lay off them for awhile. So I guess it is back to building my food storage one can at a time!

Burnin' a hole

This past week Jake and I couldn't help ourselves. We had a little extra cash burning a hole in our pockets and we set out to spend it. We decided to blow it on the most frivolous thing you can find. A place that you can buy over priced soda, ride rusty old rides for a amusement park price, and see the "tiniest horse on earth" for only two dollars! The state fair. Every minute that I was there I could loudly hear our money being flushed away on crap. From the moment we paid to park on dirt to the moment we walked bought our final bag of popcorn, it was a bit agonizing for me. BUT- Tylie had a smile plastered on her face the entire night so that made it all worth it. Mason loved wondering through the barns and finding all the animals. Tylie loved flinging herself down one slide and on to the next. She ran from ride to ride and booth to booth. Jake calmly followed her with a wad of ones in hand ready dole out to the next hungry game shark. I sat back and enjoyed a little people watching. There is never a better place to find such and eclectic group of people. Jake works in Salt Lake so we met him up there and right after work. It was pretty entertaining to watch him wander through the tube tops and wife beaters in his cuff links and pressed suit pants. One vendor even gave him a free game for being the "best dressed." How hilarious is that? All in all, we had a blast and I will probably do it again next year. My price will be double though because Mason will be old enough to know what is going on and want to participate. I guess I shouldn't complain though.

I just need to stop having kids or forever hold my whines!

Clinging on to summer!

This weekend brought some sunny weather so we loaded up the trailer and headed out for one more camping trip before that nasty white stuff comes and ruins our warm weather. The weekend brought lots of fishing, food, games, and laughs. All was wonderful except our little Mason who did not do well away from his own bed. He cried, whined, and then I finally gave in and put him in bed with Jake and I. He loved sleeping with me and Jake and he paid me back by pulling at my eyelashes all night long! What a sweetheart. I didn't get a wink of sleep but it was a successful camping trip because I didn't get eaten by any bears. I will just hold on to these memories until next year.....


Look at our elegant Heather. We are so proud of what she has become!

To my friends,

Yesterday one of my friends stopped by and told me that he had lost his sister to cancer this last week. I tried to hold myself together as well as I could but the tears continued to defy me and run down my face. Just when I thought I had pulled myself together we stopped by thier house just to let them know we were thinking of them. Once again the tears began to pour and I couldn't even speak. I was up all night last night thinking of them. As much as I tried to fall into the mindless sleep, my pillow continued to catch my tears. I am terrible with words and obviously can't even speak because everytime I see them, I break down. So, this is my way of reaching out.

To my friends,
I am so terribly sorry for the loss that you have had to endure. I know that this has been a long road that as much as you knew it was going to end, you yearned to look over the horizon and see another stretch of time that you had with her. I know that you have probably heard every worn out phrase in the book this last week about her being in a better place, how she is happy now, and how she would only want you to carry on with your lives and experience everything that life has to offer. As wonderful as all of these statements are, they are hard to internalize right now. I know that in this life we are given trials and we need to accept them and not question our Father in Heaven. But, in this case, I can't help but think that maybe the question "why?" is appropriate. Heavenly Father does have a perfect plan for all of us that we will one day understand but I believe that he also knows that right now, in the moment of pain, we don't understand why. He made us and instilled into us all the feelings that we have; including sadness, loneliness, anger, and depression. He knows how we are feeling and I think that He understand when we question Him. Right now all we see is the fact that Brittney left three beautiful children that now have to live without her, a husband that had to say goodbye to his eternal companion after nine short years, and a family that is in pieces aching for their sister. I believe that as we ask "why?" our Father in Heaven with teach us the valuable lessons that we need to learn from this. But don't expect all the answers to come now. Now is the time for the pain and the mourning. Now is the time to feel the loss that our Father felt when he watched his own Son die. Now is the time to learn of the sadness that they have felt. We can only become like them when we learn to emmulate them. And in the future; maybe at Brynn's baptism, or on Brittney's birthday, or a long drive home from work, He will begin to whisper to your heart the reasons why. He will begin to pick up the pieces of your heart and put it back together again. And you will feel joy again. You will be closer to our Savior; for the valley that you had to walk through because He is walking every step with you. He suffered all of these pains so let Him take them from you. For now, as you are grieving, please know that you have a large circle of friends that are surrounding you, ready to buoy you up at your weak moments. We do not expect you to be strong and come bounding to the door with a smile on your face when we visit. You have always given to all of us so selflessly that it is now our turn to give back. We love you. We adore you. And we know that you will get through this.And one day, when the time comes for you to reunite with Brittney once again, the reunion will be so sweet because you know what it is like to live without her. She will wrap you in her healthly arms with a strength that she was not able to achieve here on earth. She will kiss your face and welcome you into the paradise that she has been living in. What a sweet day that will be!

Eternity ahead

September 4 marked 6 years that Jake and I have been married. It is so strange every year that passes by. I find myself feeling like we have only been married a few moments in time but also like I have been with him forever and can't really remember what life was like without him. I remember when Jake was still on his mission and he was getting close to coming home, he sent me a CD for my birthday that he made me. It was the first CD that I had ever recieved that wasn't just burned; he had actually taken the time to narrate the whole CD. Nothing could have meant more to me than that one simple gift. I think there was just something about hearing his voice talking directly to me. It was the voice that I had craved for so long and there it was. I was laying on my bed late at night with tears streaming down my face and ear buds in my ears. In that CD he said many things that I hold dear to my heart but he described life and things that happen in a perfect way. He said that we have significant times in our life that we can measure life as "before this and after this." Jake was definately one of those moments. He turned my world upside down, threw me on a roller coaster and told me to hold on. I am a pretty conservative person that tends to get stuck in a rut but Jake will never allow that to happen. If he even so much as sees a dent in the ground that could become a rut, he bails out and finds something new. He keeps me on my toes and has taught me many lessons of faith and leaning on each other. Six years have come and gone quickly. I have loved the roller coaster that he keeps me on. I love that just when I think I am finally able to release the lap bar and get out, he laughs and hits the green button again but this time I am going backwards. I never know what to expect from him and that is probably the best part of him. "No glass ceiling" really is a great phrase to describe the way Jake looks at life. As great as the past six years have been I really believe that the next several years are not going to be the same. I believe they are only going to be six times better!

This and that...

I am on day four of my new "career" and I am adjusting fairly well. I know that I will have days that I want to get in the car and drive far away but so far it feels like I am on a big vacation. I keep thinking that I am supposed to be somewhere. Like I should be rushing and watching the clock but then I remember that nobody is waiting for me to be anywhere. The only place I am expected to be is with my kids. Not a bad feeling. I have been doing the regular cleaning, preparing meals, laundry, and then a few extra curicular activities.....

Reading every book that we have in the house,

Letting Mason discover new things and then paying for it dearly when I let him go a little too far. Let me just say that they are a lot of breakable and really messy things in a fridge.

"Approving" mistmatched outfits. The "negotiations" are not going so well. After trying to convince her on other options I finally sigh and stamped approved on 18 month old pink pants and an orange shirt.

Spending countless hours in the sandbox that daddy made for her.

"Helping" daddy with projects.

Learning to walk- I was thrilled that I was there when he did this for the first time!

Cleaning up one mess after another!

Playing princess

And kissing this face a million times!

It has been rough! Playing princess and giving kisses can really take it out of ya! It is a sacrifice that I am willing to make though. Yes, I am incredibly unselfish.