Fear

I have a fear. A fear that has been gnawing at my insides for quite some time and it finally starting to seep out. It has worked its way up my throat and I am having a hard time holding it down. I have always loudly professed that my greatest fear is that one of my children would be ripped out of my earthly arms too soon leaving me behind. I have evaluated my list and I believe that fear has been moved to number 2.
My greatest fear is that I will not be able to teach my children well enough and that this world will get them in it's nasty grip and pull them down to a place that my arms cannot reach. I have often said that this is a worry but the statement always seemed more rhetorical than anything. Lately, though, I am beginning to see how much this fear has a hold on me. It is almost debilitating. As I was growing up drugs were a thing from a far of place called Compton, sex was a nasty rumor that somebody started to hurt another, and jail and prison were a place for old men with no teeth that lived under viaducts and drank out of a brown paper bag. I would watch the news and hear of horrible stories from far off countries. I would watch as my mom would shake her head mumbling about how times have changed- then I would turn off the TV and go snuggle down in my warm bed and listen to my sister softly breathe while she slept. I never worried about guns in school or what I was going to see at the next party. My worries were made up of homework deadlines and having enough lunch money left over to get the cinnamon roll I wanted.
Now I see that these tragedies are no longer thousands of miles away in foreign countries. They are at my doorstep affecting people that I love. Drugs are no longer contained in big cities with a high crime rate. They are here in my city sucking in so many people that I know. I don't have to turn on the news anymore to hear of more horrifying stories and more people to pity. I simply pick up the phone and it seems that endless people know endless stories of what is going on.
I feel that the darkness is closing in. I feel that my light is no longer enough. The problems are big enough that a hug doesn't fix it. The darkness is choking me. It is comforting to look over the vast dark and see little flickers of light out there. People trying so hard to break the darkness. But where is that light that can surely dominate it all. I know that He will come but when? What will my children have to endure before he says it is enough? Will I be able to stack enough armor on them to withstand the blows they will undoubtedly have to absorb. How can I help them become a beacon for those around them? I feel like if I just teach them to cling to that path that they will be ok. I see so many others out there who have had the same teachings that have wandered, what makes my children different? I think that I might have almost chose to be with the Pioneers and seen my children's bloody footprints in the snow. At least then I would know that it is their physical mortality on the line and not their eternal salvation. My kids are going to have to make decisions amid chaos that will affect them for eternities. I feel I am not enough as a mom to show them how important all these things are.
Both Tylie and Mason are in their beds taking naps right now. They are the perfect picture of calm and serene. Do they know? Will they have the strength? At this moment, I feel very small to the task of being a mom in this world. I pray daily for heavens help. The day will come, I will just have to do my best until then.