No more self pity for me!!!

I am six months along in my pregnancy and the "weight" of the situation is really starting to kick in. I have really stuggled with this baby because it has been so different from my first. With Tylie, I never had to even buy maternity clothing. I carried her so high that all of my clothes were able to pull over her and all I had to deal with was a few stretched out shirts in the end. This one on the other hand has me in maternity clothes at 5 months and I feel like I am carrying him everywhere! I look down at my stomach and wonder if the doctor did not make a mistake on my due date. I feel I should be delivering in a couple of weeks. I know that many people out there think that being pregnant is beautiful and you have a "glow" that you would not have any other time. I just cannot seem to grasp this concept. Everytime I look in the mirror, "beautiful" is far from the first thing that comes to my mind. I have been feeling sorry for myself because I feel huge and it seems like baby boys run big in the Hancock side of the family. Jake has reminded me on several occasions that both him and his dad were well over 10 pounds when they were born. A short time ago Jake's grandma was up visiting from Arizona and I was able to sit down and talk to her for a while. Now, this woman is nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. Not only did she have 14 children and managed to raise them all to be productive adults, she talks about her child rearing years like they were no big deal and she would have been bored if she didn't have 14 little ones to chase around. Jake's grandpa died over 10 years ago and so the conversation often wonders to him and what he was like and how much she misses him. She sat there for about 2 hours telling Jake and I stories about life "back then". She recited memories of Jake's grandpa tearing his leg wide open, walking in the house and pouring table salt in the wound, wrapping it up, and heading back out the door to finish the chores. WHAT!!!!!! I hear these stories and wonder why it is I have to whine to Jake when I have a canker sore and he talks me into sprinkling some salt on it to heal it. Then I look to my side of the family and look at my grandpa who is well over 80 but could beat me in a foot race any day of the week. My grandpa grew up in conditions that most people would call child services on today because he had to share a room, and bed, with all his brothers just to stay warm at night. He got a job at a very young age earning nothing more then a dime caring for the cemetery in his town. He did this because his family needed help and that was a way he could contribute. I hear all of these things and I can't help but feel guilty that I am whining about it being over 78 degrees in my house and how I hate to in the mirror because my stomach is sticking out at every angle known to man. So, here I am. I am going to do better and not take for granted everything I enjoy on a daily basis. I want to be able to brag to my grandkids about how I had to share a room with my sister my whole life and how my parents expected me to get a job to pay for my first car. I want them to hear my "good ole days" stories and really admire me for my attitude and how I took life for what it was and enjoyed the ride all along the way.

A BOY!!!

Five months has flown by and last Thursday I found myself walking into the hospital to get the infamous 20 week ultrasound. Now, Brittany has explained to me many times that they look for all sorts of things when they do this ultrasound but let's be honest- all I really want to know is one thing, boy or girl??? I have had several coworkers encourage me not to find out, they try to convince me that it will be funner that way. YEAH RIGHT!!! I am not one of those people that have the patience or tolerance to wait. I lose a sense of control if I don't know and I just can't handle that. The many weeks that preceeded this visit had many thoughts running through my head. I want a boy simply because I already have a girl and I would love to have a boy for Jake to wrestle with and do whatever it is that boys do. BUT- I love having a girl!!! She is so much fun to dress up and it is a comfort level for me. I have a girl so I know what to expect. I have been there so I wouldn't have any surprises. I wish I had that mothers instinct that everyone talks about and could sense that gender of the baby but I don't. I had no clue. I had decided that I would be happy either way (obviously) but I would like to have a boy just to have the pressure off. As I watched the girl do my ultrasound I started to get nervous. My mind started spinning and I started having second thoughts about the whole thing. And then she said it- A BOY! OH CRAP! I don't know what to do with a boy. I looked over and saw Jake beaming like a kid at Christmas but my heart started thumping and I found myself hoping that she saw it wrong. I am afraid of boys. I don't have anything for a boy- everything I own for a baby is pink! Now that it is 4 days later, my breathing has adjusted and I am ok again. I am going to chalk up my roller coaster emotions to the pregnancy but right now I am feeling good about having a boy. I didn't have a clue what to do with Tylie but I have been ok. It will be the same with this one. Now I just have one more problem- a name. This is one thing that Jake and I cannot seem to agree on. I have 4 months- let's see what we can come up with.

The things we give up as parents

I remember the days before I got married. The days that I lived with 3 other girls and we came and did as we pleased when we pleased. I didn't have to answer to anyone and nobody had to answer to me. This was a true sense of freedom. I gladly gave up this freedom to marry Jake 4 years ago. Things didn't change much. I was still able to do as I pleased but now I was often with the person I wanted to do things with. What a concept, living with your best friend! It was awsome living in California. Jake and I got to hang out with friends, go to amusement parks, and then we just got to go home together. I didn't ever have to say goodbye. And then......... Tylie enters the scene. Today was Jake's birthday and Tylie and I made him a cake as we usually do. Tylie seemed to struggle with this birthday though. It has been 3 months since tylie's birthday but she still thinks that anytime cake and balloons are present, it is HER birthday again. She couldn't comprehend that Jake could have a birthday to. She kept telling me it was her birthday and she would sporadically break out singing "Happy Birthday" to herself. When it came to cake time I kept trying to tell her that it was daddy's cake and not hers. But, my husband being the wonderful father that he is, lifted her up on his lap and let her blow out all of his candles. Tylie has taken over everything and nothing is our own anymore. Not even something as personal as a birthday is ours anymore. But I can, on the other hand, think of numerous times that we lie there and talk about all the funny and cute things that tylie did that day. I can't imagine our life without that crazy little girl. It is true that she turned our world upside down the day that she came into this world. She changed us individually as well as a couple. But I have never regretted a day of it. Tylie will continue to take everything that we have and we will continue to gladly give her all we got. It seems strange that as a human I can give everything I have and never feel resentment towards her. It is times like this that I recognize Heavenly Father in my life. Only divinity can cause parents to feel the way they do towards their children!

Any Suggestions???

I am not one of those lucky women that don't have to deal with morning sickness and sail right through the first 3 months. No, no- I am one of those women who have "all day sickness" instead of "morning sickness" so I am really taken down for a while when I get pregnant. I have moved past all of that but I am afraid a residue remains that I am not quite sure how to fix. Tylie had to learn that I was sick for that time and was not able to play with her like I normally did. I tried to explian to her that the "baby" was trying to grow and it was making mommy sick. Well, this backfired on me in a way that I would have never imagined. The other day, I got home from work and was laying on the couch for a minute before I got up to make dinner. Tylie walked over and said "mommy, what doing?". I told her that I just needed to take a rest for minute. Then she proceeded to lift up my shirt, get a mean look on her face, and said "Baby naughty, I pinch baby." She attacked my stomach and kept repeating that she needed to pinch the baby. Now whenever I lay down for a minute she thinks that the baby is making me sick and she needs to get mad at the baby. She has gone so far now and biting my stomach and telling me "I bite baby!" Now, at first this is funny but I am worried that she is going to have a mean attitude with the baby when the baby is born. Jake's sister recently had a baby and Tylie was over visiting them the other day. Jake said that she loves to hold the baby and is really cute with him. I hope this is how she will be but I can't help but be nervous. Any suggestions??? How do I fix this?

Reflection

Today was fast and testimony meeting in church and I felt like I wanted to stand and share my feelings but I am ashamed to say that I let time tick away and I never got up. I do want to share some of my feelings though because I get strength when I can publicly express things. This past year has brought many changes and will bring many more changes as the year progresses. With a change in careers, Jake graduating from BYU and starting his new career, and a new baby in the way (yes, we are expecting in October), our lives are going to change yet again. Usually I am the type the resists change at all costs but as all these new events gradually approach, I am strangly calm about it all. I find myself not worried or stressed even though our world is about to be turned upside down. As I reflect on my feelings, I realize that I have finally learned a lesson that my Father in Heaven has been trying to teach me for a long time.When Jake and I got married my mouth was full of cankers from all of the stress and uncertainty I was feeling. I was unsure of what the future would hold and I struggled because I was used to being very much in control with what I did with my own life. All of these feeling returned few months later as Jake and I left everything behind and moved to California to a new life. We didn't have a job or any income, we weren't for sure where Jake was going to go to school, we found an apartment and finalized everything just a few days before we left, and we did not know a soul in the place that we were moving to. A leap of faith is a very mild description for what we were doing. But as I have mentioned before, Jake felt that this was the right move for us so I reluctantly followed. And yet again, change came for me when Tylie was born, Jake graduated from LACC, and we moved back to Utah to buy a home and start school at BYU. All of these times I felt like my life was spinning out of control and I was just praying for a miracle that somehow it would all turn out ok. It is so evident to me how the Lord was with us through all of these times and looking at it from hindsight, I feel foolish for stressing the way I did. All of those times, things worked out just as they should and I gained experiences through those trials that I wouldn't trade for anything. As I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face, I can say that I am so grateful that I can see now what I didn't see then. And I know that I don't have to worry about the changes that are approaching. The Lord will, as he has everytime before, watch over my little family and we will end up right where we are supposed to be, right where He wants us. It is such a comfort to know that in those times that I don't know where the road will turn next, that I can place my family in the hands of the Lord and he will guide us where we need to go. I am often a very stubborn person who takes a long time to learn things but I have finally learned this. No need to stress, place yourself in the hands of the Lord and he will take care of the rest.

California (sigh)

So I was interviewing a man for a loan the other day and when I asked for his ID, he pulled out a California driver's license. Naturally I can't help but ask him what part of California he lived in and I mention that I lived there a few years ago before moving back to Utah. All he could say was "I am sorry you had to deal with that dreadful place. Weren't you glad to get out of there?" Well, quite frankly I was heart broken the day we left and I sat there in shock as he went on about the usual complaints about California ( too many people, the thick smog, the outrageous housing prices, blah, blah, blah). So, I apologize but tonight I feel I must defend my adopted state of California and point out a few things. There is a reason why there are so many people, why the smog is so thick you can cut through it with a knife, and why Hollywood's "A" list celebrities continue to buy up the real estate like it is the next craze on Oprah's "favorite things" list. I hope I don't offend anyone here but you don't see Wyoming or South Dakota struggling with there air quality lately, do you? It is because California is so beautiful and the weather cannot be beat. There are also many more things that you might never get to experience unless you live there. So, I have put together a "top ten" list for those of you out there who think that California is such a "dreadful" place.

10- Attending the famous Dodger games and enjoying the view you get from the parking lot of all of downtown LA after the game.

9- Shopping at the Fashion District. This can seem life threatening at first because it is in a ghetto downtown alley where if you don't speak spanish you are going to have a rough day. But after your first visit of finding all the fake purses and jewelry you can stand, you will be begging for more.

8- Taking walks in January with just a jacket (if that) and feel the warm sun of you back.

7- Going to all the free movie critiques before they come out. It doesn't get much better then seeing a movie before it is even released and for free!

6- Tylie being born in beautiful Cali. Now she can stand up in school and state that she was born out of the state- by Disneyland! (I was always jealous of those kids. I had never left the state, let alone live somewhere like California.)

5- The phone calls home to Utah as I am driving home from work. I would listen to my mom talk about the terrible snow storm the were having and I would just look around and see some bank sign read that is was 72 degrees.

4- Being able to wake up on a Saturday morning and decide that we wanted to spend the day at Six Flags. We would go and ride a few roller coasters and then go home. We were never concerned about missing a ride because we knew we could go back the following weekend on our summer pass.

3- The gorgeus purple flowers that would fall off the trees in the spring and line the roads. It would feel like something out of the Wizard of Oz as you drove through them. I almost felt like I was violating some art or painting by driving on the road.

2- Strolling through the weekly farmers market. AAHHHH! I just can't say enough about this. There is nothing like getting fresh produce and flowers from the farmer's market. We would buy strawberries that resembled apples, oranges that I swear were injected with sugar, and sour dough bread that turned into an addicition for me. Now I am really starting to miss that place!!!

1- And the number one thing about California (this is for Jake)- Going to the beach every weekend with our friends to go boogie boarding. Jake loved this more then anything else and he got to be very good at it. We had a blast with several couples every weekend. We would pack our coolers and snack on sold cut sandwiches and golf ball size grapes all day.

Now I am not unrealistic. I took plenty of turns sitting in LA traffic, groaning as I got pushed around in the LA subway by all the people, and laughing as Jake and I would pick up a house flyer and see the price for a 100 year old home. And I am not claiming that I wanted to move there or was even excited about the idea. To be honest, Jake pretty much drug me there kicking and screaming. But when I am wrong I will admit it. Jake was right on this one. Moving to California was the right move for us and I will never regret it. Some of my most fond memories of Jake and I together are there and will always be there. And because of this, California will hold a soft spot in my heart for as long as I live. Take it from me, California has it's problems for a reason. It is because everyone wants to be there and nobody wants to leave.

My New/Old Job

Due to the recent economy disaster the nation is going through, real estate has taken a dive and Jake and I have abandoned ship along with thousands of other agents across this great nation. I am maintaining my license so I can still do buisness if it ever presents itself but we are no longer going to make that our main career. Soooo, since Jake does not graduate until August, I started back at good old America First Credit Union as a loan officer. It is quite a strange thing working at a place, quitting, and then returning to the same job several years later. Many things change but many things stay the same. I was in a very different time of life when I last worked there. Jake and I had only been married for 6 months, Tylie was only a figment of my imagination, and I was still very immature and learning what it was like to be a responsible, married adult. Since I have returned, I have seen many of my old co-workers that I was very close to. They all ask me how "married" life is treating me as if I am still a newly wed. They all ask if Jake has decided on a major as if he just started school and is still trying to figure out what to do in life. It is surreal because I feel like I step into a time capsule each day I go to work. I love what I do and I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else but I can't help but step into my old life. It is a strange phenomenon that I am trying to get used to but I am hoping with time a I can place a new stamp of my new life. The life that I am 5 years older, 4 years into marriage, a happy mom of an adorable daughter, and much more experienced on the world. But then again, I won't take what I have for granted. Not everyone gets to step in a time capsule and go back 4 years in time. Maybe I will just enjoy it while it lasts.