Goal Complete!

Four thirty in the morning comes really early. I have never been a great morning person and I hold sleep in high priority so I make it a goal to only wake up before five o'clock one time a year. That one time is the day after Thanksgiving for all the great shopping. So when my alarm clock started screaming at four thirty last weekend and my belly wasn't stuffed full of turkey, my body was confused. My mind was clear as a bell though. Even though my eyes weren't willing to open, I knew exactly where I needed to go. I tip toed to my cedar chest where my running shoes and Ipod had been set the night before. Once my hair was in a pony tail and my laces tied tight, I snuck down the stairs. Brittany was waiting and silently we slipped out to begin our journey.
The drive to Provo was short but my stomach was in butterflies the whole way. Our conversation was a little different than our normal chatter. We were building each other up and setting expectations. We spoke of how much hard work we had invested and today was the day it was going to pay off.
As we stood there waiting for the bus to come and take us up the mountain, I began to question things. "Was it really a good idea to have a bus drive you half way up a mountain just so you can run yourself back down?" I tried to ignore the crowds of runners around us that looked like they had done this a hundred times and they were just looking for a leisure run. I tried to focus on Britt and not let my nerves get the best of me. I tried to control my shivers from the chilly mountain air that was slowly seeping into my already skimpy running clothes. All of that melted away when I finally heard the blow horn go off.
Britt and I got into a pace. We were together. The same goal in mind. As I ran along, I searched the face of each runner by me. I was lost in thoughts wondering what their story was. A sense of calm would wash over me each time I looked next to me and saw Britt by my side. Once in a while, she would allow her jack rabbit take over and I would lose her for a bit, but I always knew where she was. I had a huge smiled plastered across my face as we ran past Bridal Veil Falls. I made myself stay aware of my beautiful surroundings and not get lost in my breathing.
Everything was near perfection until mile 10. My knee started buckle and I started to limp. I tried cranking my Ipod and putting on "Eye of the Tiger" but my knee was not letting my determination win. I silently prayed that I could finish strong. I knew that only way I could fail this is if I just sat down. As long as I was moving forward, the end would come. I had told Britt to go ahead and I was left to battle this on my own. After a short walk, my mental side took hold and I pushed forward. I came around a bend and could see people waiting for their own runners to finish. My eyes began to frantically search for my cheering section. I had never wanted to see Jake's face more than in that moment. He is the one that has been with me on this whole journey. He is the one that rubs my feet after a hard run. He is the one that would understand my knee and the pain I was in. He is the one that I could look at and that is all it would take. I finally saw the finish line and knew that he was close. And then there he was. Exactly where I wanted him to be. I heard my family cheering and I raised my arms high in the air. I did it. If I had the energy, I probably would have broken out into a fist pumping mosh pit.
I am proud of Britt and myself. We made a goal at the start of this year to run a half marathon and we did it. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that you never want to try to compete with the people first across the start line, I learned that my knee really does suck but I can deal with more pain than I thought, I learned that runners really are crazy and everything I thought about them in high school is true. I learned that I hate men with strollers who blaze by me on an uphill and I love old men who are easily in their seventies and still can run a 10k. I have gained a new appreciation for the people on the side of the road that I fly by in my car. Most importantly though, I learned that life is very much like my half marathon. The only way I can really lose is if I sit down and quit. I am not racing anyone but myself. And in the end, I know that as I cross that finish line, I will frantically be looking for my loved ones. I will hear their cheers and that will drive me forward. I will cross that line with my arms held high and collapse into the arms of my Savior. And there I hope to stay.

Youth Conference

Youth Conference was so fun. I have been slow posting pictures but here are the few that I got. I was so impressed with the youth. They give me hope for my own children.

Shaving

Last week, I found myself getting ready to go to a summer party for Jake and his coworkers. As I was in the shower I realized that I clearly needed to shave and so that long process began. I grabbed my razor and my bottle of shaving cream. When I went to squirt the cream, to my surprise, it was gone. It seems that Tylie had a little too much fun last night when she used my shower. Normally, I would throw my hands up in the air and forget the whole thing but since this was a pool party we were going to, that simply was not an option. How I wish that I were one of those people who grow hair on their legs that resembles a new born babies hair. After my mom went through chemotherapy for her cancer, she rarely has to shave because they are so light and soft. If you brush up against her, you would just think she had a little bit of cotton stuck to her leg. My sister was lucky and got hair similar to that. She has blond hair so, even if she is having a rough morning (which she rarely does) and no time to shave, she can throw on a skirt and unless you carry a microscope with you, you would never know the difference. And then there is my other sister. This girl has the confidence of Kobe Bryant playing a little league team. She is not so lucky as my blond, invisible haired sister. She has dark black hair and I lovingly tell her that she grows tree stumps out of her legs. She knows it and fought to hack those tree stumps down for many years. Now she is comfortable with the way she is. In the winter, she locks her razors in a drawer and doesn't bring them back until people start wearing white around memorial day. I am sure you all think that she resembles a pilgrim when she goes to church in her floor length skirts, but nope! She rocks those knee lengths like she is walking down the red carpet. We all laugh at her and tell her that buying a coat is faster than growing one on your body but she is not deterred. The sunbeams that she teaches even think it is fun to play with in primary. Sick, I know but the girl doesn't care- and more power to her. I wish that I was more like that. I am stuck somewhere in the middle of the three. I am not lucky enough the grow soft bunny fur. I grow tree stumps also but I continue to break out the hack saw and shave every week for church, even when I am wearing a floor length skirt. So, as I am sitting in the shower racking my brain if I have any more shaving cream in my storage room, I decide to use Jake's shower gel instead. The ice cold sprint down two flights of stairs to enter an even colder storage room was just not worth is to me. Jake uses the "Axe" shower gel. You know the one, the commercial where the guy showers and suddenly he has a million girls licking his toes and sniffing his ears. I was desperately hoping that this was a very sensationalized commercial because that could make for some very awkward moments for Jake's coworkers and I. I didn't love the idea of smelling like a man but I just figured I would stand close enough to Jake that they would just assume it was him. When I put the stuff on my hand it was so gross. It was a deep red and when I rubbed it on my legs, I could not tell if I had nicked myself or cut and artery. Who in the multi-million dollar company at Axe decided to send this stuff out? Is this what guys like? So now, not only am I smelling like a man, I am bathing myself in blood! Great. Maybe tree stumps would have been better. Since I couldn't leave a half cleared forest, I finished shaving and jumped out vowing to never buy the stuff again for Jake. Next time, he is going to get the musky ocean smell. At least that way he won't look like a murder victim every time he showers. The party was fun. The cold pool felt good on my burning legs from all the cuts because I shaved to fast. And only one woman sniffed at my ears. Ok, not really but I saw a few of them eyeing me. Lesson learned to not let Tylie play in my shower unsupervised anymore. I am also going to work on my self confidence. You won't see me walking down the street in daisy dukes after two weeks of not shaving but maybe capris. Or maybe a mid calf skirt at church. Or maybe not, I would just feel too weird. I will just continue to admire my sister, or laugh at her. It is all the same to me.

Fourth of July celebrations:

Frazzled

Is it ok for me to admit that I feel I might not be up to the challenge of raising my baby boy? I have joked with my friends about being careful about wishing for a boy, I have given him all sorts of nicknames like "little devil", and I have grinned through my embarrassment as he reigns terror in any public setting that we are in. I try to joke about it but after this weekend I find myself truly questioning if I am up to this. The kid is nuts. I want to try to explain how I feel by saying my nerves are shot, I am completely worn out, exhaustion has set in. But no matter what kind of cliche saying I come up with, none of them justify the way I really feel. At times he makes me so mad that I want to play Moses and leave him on a porch somewhere in a basket. I daydream about the poor unsuspecting soul that would open that door. Then in the next moment he is kissing me and running off to the next toilet paper roll to empty or the next magazine to shred. When he was sick a few weeks ago, he was so cuddly. He would lay in my arms silent and still. He wouldn't move and I would just cry because I felt so bad for him. Now I just long for one minute like that. I have heard every saying about how boys are just more active and aggressive. I hear that they are hard now but so much easier than girls in their teen years. Well, at the rate Mason is going, I am not sure that he and I will make it to his teen years. One of us is going to kill the other off and I am not sure who is going to tap out first. I count my blessings every day that Heavenly Father gave me Tylie first. On one hand I am grateful that I know there can be calm, obedient children. If I would have had Mason first, I am not sure that I would have any more. On the other hand, I feel like I got a slap in the face. I was completely unsuspecting when this little troll came bowling into my life and I am not sure how to stop the path of destruction. I love my baby boy with all my heart but I have never been the mom to act like my children are perfect or my parenting skills without flaws. Right now I am being tested to my core. Mason has shoved me into the fire in a way that Tylie never did. My emotions are shot, my patience gone, my head is pounding, and he is winning. One day, I will be able to enjoy church again. One day, I will not dread the grocery store. One day, I will be able to look at him and smile. But not today. And probably not tomorrow. Mason and I are working on our relationship. My roller coaster is on a low right now but I am not getting off the ride. I will hang on with white knuckles until we hit a high or my heart gives out. And I pray that in the end, when that high comes, Mason will look at me and smile. Pray for me!

Some of our good friends got married this weekend. It was a beautiful day and we are so grateful that they let us be a part of their special day!

Hope

Some of our really good friends went through the temple last weekend and we were privileged to be there with them. Jake was acting as the escort for his best friend so he had to be there extra early.Since it seemed silly for us to drive separately, I had some down time to kill on temple square. It was really early in the morning so when I first started to wander, nothing was open yet and there were very few people there. I found a little spot next to the reflection pond and decided to do a little reflecting of my own. I loved gazing up at the spires of the temple. Wondering in awe how the pioneers hoisted those granite blocks without modern day machinery. As I sat, I started to see a few people begin to trickle in. I started to see brides rushing by. Their hair was all pinned up, flowers tucked amid curls, and rosy red cheeks. They were all smiling but rushing. Mom was about 10 yards behind her, dress bag in hand, band of sweat starting to form on her forehead and looking like she had already been up for hours when it was only 8:30. I saw photographers begin to arrive and slowly start to set up the tripods to catch every tear in each brides eye and every kiss. Then came the tourists. They were most fun to watch. They all had a camera in hand, fanny pack strapped at their waist and the sunglasses on their heads. I would occasionally hear a foreign language but no matter where they were from, they all had the same awe inspired look on their faces as they stared up at the temple. Nine o'clock began to draw close and I headed over to the visitor center. Just a few minutes before the clock struck the new hour, I saw floods of sister missionary pour through the gates. Two by two they hustled to their assigned stations. Each were wearing their name tag with a flag from where they were from. It was truly amazing to see the ends of the earth that they came from. I was able to wander through the visitor center and see the new model of the temple. It was truly amazing to see how detailed it was but more than that, it was amazing to see the non-member visitors that flooded through to see it. I stood back and watched the missionaries work. I listened to them testify of the temple and of the church. I watched as people listened and accepted, maybe not converted, but accepted what they were being told. Nobody was there to challenge or argue. Time flew by and the next thing I knew, it was time for me to finally go in the temple. As I walked, I saw a family standing on the temple steps getting their picture taken. It was a dad, mom, and two daughters. I instinctively knew that they had just been sealed together. Not far from them was a bride dressed in her white dress, holding a small baby girl all dressed in white. I heard them chatting as I walked by and they spoke of how excited they were to finally be married and sealed to their baby. As all of these moments began to build up in my head, I started to feel overwhelmed of the things I was witnessing. It hit me that the work of the Lord is alive and well in that place. People are learning and growing, life saving ordinances are being performed daily, families are being sealed for eternity, and visitors are feeling the spirit that resides there. On that day, in that place, I did not feel like I was in a dreary world. I felt like the sun was shining at its brightest. I left that place with hope. Hope for those who don't know, those who know but are lost, and those who are yearning to know. Hope for my children. Hope to finally win this war that we are battling. Hope that I will have more days like this one. Hope!

Just because their cute....

Bear Lake.....

They weren't kidding

When they said that it takes a village to raise a child, they weren't kidding. Especially when that child is sick. The last week has brought the horrible flu to our house. Fortunately not all of us have gotten it but unfortunately for Mason, the flu chose him to attack. I have always hated when my babies get sick but it is much worse when they are throwing up. I feel completely helpless as a mom. I feel that, in their eyes, I can fix anything. So when he looks at me with those sad eyes guilt courses through me because I know there is nothing I can do. It is something that no amount of sugar or toy stores can mend. I do my best by rocking him, singing softly, stroking his back, talking softly. I know that it is not much but, at that moment, I feel I am doing everything I should for my baby. Then I am suddenly startled to remember that I have not only one baby, but two. My little Tylie has been patient through the whole thing. She is so tender hearted that I will find her crying on her bed when Mason is throwing up. She does her best to give him his favorite toys, dances like a fool in front of him to make him giggle, and constantly reminds me that he is not to have any treats because that will hurt his tummy. I feel so bad at these times because one child is demanding so much attention but the other child still has needs. These are the times that I am so grateful for those around me. If it weren't for my quiet saviors coming to my rescue, Tylie would probably still be in the pajamas that she wore three days ago sitting on my couch watching Aladdin for the 12th time and eating her 15th fruit popsicle. I would be walking around the house like a zombie reassuring myself that it is ok because the popsicle has got to have some nutrition in there is they can call them fruit popsicles. But no. Instead, right now, Tylie is off to grandma's house playing with her cousins and having the time of her life. This day comes after other fun events of going to Mcdonalds with aunt Heather, having a sleep over at grandmas (while we were in the ER with Mason), going shopping with aunt Kelsey, and getting to go to Mia's house before she had even eaten breakfast. I just don't know what I would have done if I were alone this week. My heart is broken for my baby boy who is so sick but it is humbled by all the help I have received. Thank you to both of my mom's who each took an entire day to help me, to Kelsey for making dinner when I didn't care if we had dinner that night or not. To Heather who gladly took Tylie on your only day off, to Jake, my dad and brothers for holding the priesthood and giving my baby a blessing when I have nothing left to do, and to Kat who knew to call at exactly the right moment. The more I have thought about it, there is no way that call was coincidental. You are fitting graciously into your calling already. As we were driving to the hospital yesterday Tylie was worried about Mason and she started to question what was going on. I tried to explain to her that Mason was just not getting better and so we have to take him to the people that know what to do. Then came the question that I will never forget. "Mom, why didn't the blessing work?" Tears immediately sprang to my eyes as I silently pleaded with Jake to help. I had no idea what to tell her. I have told her before that sometimes Heavenly Father says no. We have talked about how sometimes what we want is not what He wants. But at that moment, I didn't have the strength to talk about it. Her perfect faith was questioning why. It is a hard thing to swallow as a parent. Jake bailed me out as he always does and her faith continues. Tylie has learned something from this but I have learned a much bigger lesson. Thank goodness it is only the flu. He will be back to normal until then. And I will try to remember that I need to recognize those around me and be grateful that I am not alone. Never, never alone.