Frazzled

Is it ok for me to admit that I feel I might not be up to the challenge of raising my baby boy? I have joked with my friends about being careful about wishing for a boy, I have given him all sorts of nicknames like "little devil", and I have grinned through my embarrassment as he reigns terror in any public setting that we are in. I try to joke about it but after this weekend I find myself truly questioning if I am up to this. The kid is nuts. I want to try to explain how I feel by saying my nerves are shot, I am completely worn out, exhaustion has set in. But no matter what kind of cliche saying I come up with, none of them justify the way I really feel. At times he makes me so mad that I want to play Moses and leave him on a porch somewhere in a basket. I daydream about the poor unsuspecting soul that would open that door. Then in the next moment he is kissing me and running off to the next toilet paper roll to empty or the next magazine to shred. When he was sick a few weeks ago, he was so cuddly. He would lay in my arms silent and still. He wouldn't move and I would just cry because I felt so bad for him. Now I just long for one minute like that. I have heard every saying about how boys are just more active and aggressive. I hear that they are hard now but so much easier than girls in their teen years. Well, at the rate Mason is going, I am not sure that he and I will make it to his teen years. One of us is going to kill the other off and I am not sure who is going to tap out first. I count my blessings every day that Heavenly Father gave me Tylie first. On one hand I am grateful that I know there can be calm, obedient children. If I would have had Mason first, I am not sure that I would have any more. On the other hand, I feel like I got a slap in the face. I was completely unsuspecting when this little troll came bowling into my life and I am not sure how to stop the path of destruction. I love my baby boy with all my heart but I have never been the mom to act like my children are perfect or my parenting skills without flaws. Right now I am being tested to my core. Mason has shoved me into the fire in a way that Tylie never did. My emotions are shot, my patience gone, my head is pounding, and he is winning. One day, I will be able to enjoy church again. One day, I will not dread the grocery store. One day, I will be able to look at him and smile. But not today. And probably not tomorrow. Mason and I are working on our relationship. My roller coaster is on a low right now but I am not getting off the ride. I will hang on with white knuckles until we hit a high or my heart gives out. And I pray that in the end, when that high comes, Mason will look at me and smile. Pray for me!

Some of our good friends got married this weekend. It was a beautiful day and we are so grateful that they let us be a part of their special day!