Frazzled

Is it ok for me to admit that I feel I might not be up to the challenge of raising my baby boy? I have joked with my friends about being careful about wishing for a boy, I have given him all sorts of nicknames like "little devil", and I have grinned through my embarrassment as he reigns terror in any public setting that we are in. I try to joke about it but after this weekend I find myself truly questioning if I am up to this. The kid is nuts. I want to try to explain how I feel by saying my nerves are shot, I am completely worn out, exhaustion has set in. But no matter what kind of cliche saying I come up with, none of them justify the way I really feel. At times he makes me so mad that I want to play Moses and leave him on a porch somewhere in a basket. I daydream about the poor unsuspecting soul that would open that door. Then in the next moment he is kissing me and running off to the next toilet paper roll to empty or the next magazine to shred. When he was sick a few weeks ago, he was so cuddly. He would lay in my arms silent and still. He wouldn't move and I would just cry because I felt so bad for him. Now I just long for one minute like that. I have heard every saying about how boys are just more active and aggressive. I hear that they are hard now but so much easier than girls in their teen years. Well, at the rate Mason is going, I am not sure that he and I will make it to his teen years. One of us is going to kill the other off and I am not sure who is going to tap out first. I count my blessings every day that Heavenly Father gave me Tylie first. On one hand I am grateful that I know there can be calm, obedient children. If I would have had Mason first, I am not sure that I would have any more. On the other hand, I feel like I got a slap in the face. I was completely unsuspecting when this little troll came bowling into my life and I am not sure how to stop the path of destruction. I love my baby boy with all my heart but I have never been the mom to act like my children are perfect or my parenting skills without flaws. Right now I am being tested to my core. Mason has shoved me into the fire in a way that Tylie never did. My emotions are shot, my patience gone, my head is pounding, and he is winning. One day, I will be able to enjoy church again. One day, I will not dread the grocery store. One day, I will be able to look at him and smile. But not today. And probably not tomorrow. Mason and I are working on our relationship. My roller coaster is on a low right now but I am not getting off the ride. I will hang on with white knuckles until we hit a high or my heart gives out. And I pray that in the end, when that high comes, Mason will look at me and smile. Pray for me!

Some of our good friends got married this weekend. It was a beautiful day and we are so grateful that they let us be a part of their special day!

Hope

Some of our really good friends went through the temple last weekend and we were privileged to be there with them. Jake was acting as the escort for his best friend so he had to be there extra early.Since it seemed silly for us to drive separately, I had some down time to kill on temple square. It was really early in the morning so when I first started to wander, nothing was open yet and there were very few people there. I found a little spot next to the reflection pond and decided to do a little reflecting of my own. I loved gazing up at the spires of the temple. Wondering in awe how the pioneers hoisted those granite blocks without modern day machinery. As I sat, I started to see a few people begin to trickle in. I started to see brides rushing by. Their hair was all pinned up, flowers tucked amid curls, and rosy red cheeks. They were all smiling but rushing. Mom was about 10 yards behind her, dress bag in hand, band of sweat starting to form on her forehead and looking like she had already been up for hours when it was only 8:30. I saw photographers begin to arrive and slowly start to set up the tripods to catch every tear in each brides eye and every kiss. Then came the tourists. They were most fun to watch. They all had a camera in hand, fanny pack strapped at their waist and the sunglasses on their heads. I would occasionally hear a foreign language but no matter where they were from, they all had the same awe inspired look on their faces as they stared up at the temple. Nine o'clock began to draw close and I headed over to the visitor center. Just a few minutes before the clock struck the new hour, I saw floods of sister missionary pour through the gates. Two by two they hustled to their assigned stations. Each were wearing their name tag with a flag from where they were from. It was truly amazing to see the ends of the earth that they came from. I was able to wander through the visitor center and see the new model of the temple. It was truly amazing to see how detailed it was but more than that, it was amazing to see the non-member visitors that flooded through to see it. I stood back and watched the missionaries work. I listened to them testify of the temple and of the church. I watched as people listened and accepted, maybe not converted, but accepted what they were being told. Nobody was there to challenge or argue. Time flew by and the next thing I knew, it was time for me to finally go in the temple. As I walked, I saw a family standing on the temple steps getting their picture taken. It was a dad, mom, and two daughters. I instinctively knew that they had just been sealed together. Not far from them was a bride dressed in her white dress, holding a small baby girl all dressed in white. I heard them chatting as I walked by and they spoke of how excited they were to finally be married and sealed to their baby. As all of these moments began to build up in my head, I started to feel overwhelmed of the things I was witnessing. It hit me that the work of the Lord is alive and well in that place. People are learning and growing, life saving ordinances are being performed daily, families are being sealed for eternity, and visitors are feeling the spirit that resides there. On that day, in that place, I did not feel like I was in a dreary world. I felt like the sun was shining at its brightest. I left that place with hope. Hope for those who don't know, those who know but are lost, and those who are yearning to know. Hope for my children. Hope to finally win this war that we are battling. Hope that I will have more days like this one. Hope!

Just because their cute....

Bear Lake.....

They weren't kidding

When they said that it takes a village to raise a child, they weren't kidding. Especially when that child is sick. The last week has brought the horrible flu to our house. Fortunately not all of us have gotten it but unfortunately for Mason, the flu chose him to attack. I have always hated when my babies get sick but it is much worse when they are throwing up. I feel completely helpless as a mom. I feel that, in their eyes, I can fix anything. So when he looks at me with those sad eyes guilt courses through me because I know there is nothing I can do. It is something that no amount of sugar or toy stores can mend. I do my best by rocking him, singing softly, stroking his back, talking softly. I know that it is not much but, at that moment, I feel I am doing everything I should for my baby. Then I am suddenly startled to remember that I have not only one baby, but two. My little Tylie has been patient through the whole thing. She is so tender hearted that I will find her crying on her bed when Mason is throwing up. She does her best to give him his favorite toys, dances like a fool in front of him to make him giggle, and constantly reminds me that he is not to have any treats because that will hurt his tummy. I feel so bad at these times because one child is demanding so much attention but the other child still has needs. These are the times that I am so grateful for those around me. If it weren't for my quiet saviors coming to my rescue, Tylie would probably still be in the pajamas that she wore three days ago sitting on my couch watching Aladdin for the 12th time and eating her 15th fruit popsicle. I would be walking around the house like a zombie reassuring myself that it is ok because the popsicle has got to have some nutrition in there is they can call them fruit popsicles. But no. Instead, right now, Tylie is off to grandma's house playing with her cousins and having the time of her life. This day comes after other fun events of going to Mcdonalds with aunt Heather, having a sleep over at grandmas (while we were in the ER with Mason), going shopping with aunt Kelsey, and getting to go to Mia's house before she had even eaten breakfast. I just don't know what I would have done if I were alone this week. My heart is broken for my baby boy who is so sick but it is humbled by all the help I have received. Thank you to both of my mom's who each took an entire day to help me, to Kelsey for making dinner when I didn't care if we had dinner that night or not. To Heather who gladly took Tylie on your only day off, to Jake, my dad and brothers for holding the priesthood and giving my baby a blessing when I have nothing left to do, and to Kat who knew to call at exactly the right moment. The more I have thought about it, there is no way that call was coincidental. You are fitting graciously into your calling already. As we were driving to the hospital yesterday Tylie was worried about Mason and she started to question what was going on. I tried to explain to her that Mason was just not getting better and so we have to take him to the people that know what to do. Then came the question that I will never forget. "Mom, why didn't the blessing work?" Tears immediately sprang to my eyes as I silently pleaded with Jake to help. I had no idea what to tell her. I have told her before that sometimes Heavenly Father says no. We have talked about how sometimes what we want is not what He wants. But at that moment, I didn't have the strength to talk about it. Her perfect faith was questioning why. It is a hard thing to swallow as a parent. Jake bailed me out as he always does and her faith continues. Tylie has learned something from this but I have learned a much bigger lesson. Thank goodness it is only the flu. He will be back to normal until then. And I will try to remember that I need to recognize those around me and be grateful that I am not alone. Never, never alone.