The Perfect Storm

The perfect storm. Imagine the first sunny Saturday after a really long winter. A kids safety fair with free admission. The invention of mini vans with the capability of holding up to seven children. And Utah- the place the has the highest ratio in the nation of children per household. All of this adds up to one bad idea. It is just to bad that I didn't figure that out until I was sitting on state street surrounded by all of these mini vans waiting to turn into one parking lot. A further clue would have been when it took me over 20 minutes to park. But no- around and around I go- isle after isle, spot after spot. Anxiously looking for the glow of reverse lights so I can jump in and take their spot. Each time I thought I had a chance I was shot blocked by another stupid mini van sitting in the dead middle of the isle, waiting for their own spot, and I could not get through to race to my own little piece of parking lot real estate. After cussing out one final mini van that got in my way, I swore that if I came upon one more van with break lights glowing, I was going to ram that stupid "honor student" bumper sticker so hard that the police will be trying to figure out why that mom was wearing a bumper sticker on her forehead. I should have just threw my hands in air and gone to the mall but the draw of painted faces and animal balloons was just too great for Tylie so I made a few more rounds and finally found a spot to park. As I was walking into the convention center, I started to feel like a herd of cattle all making their way to the feeding ground. We all had one purpose in mind and our children were prodding with their sticks to get us to go faster. Once I got inside I found myself wishing that I was in a corral with a bunch of cattle. I am sure that it would be more comfortable and much more roomy. Every Utahn that has ever had a child was there and they were swarming around like a bunch of ants on a hill. I couldn't push my stroller down the aisle, I couldn't look at any of the booths, I couldn't turn back because I had some eight year old butt rushing my every move. I wanted to throw my hands in the air and scream. I wanted to find the convention committee and inform them that if they were going to plan a kids fair with free admission in Utah they needed to put a cap on how many people were allowed in the building because I was sure that they were beyond capacity and if a fire were to break out, we would all be crispy bacon. I stood in line for 15 minutes to get some dumb backpack they were handing out, I stood for 20 minutes to get a sword balloon, and I finished it out with grabbing a fruit smoothie from my mom who was helping a friend run some concessions. I was complaining to her about the chaos when a cute mom with a double stroller and seven kids waltzed up to my mom's cart. She had fliers, balloons, and candy wrappers protruding from every crevice of that stroller and she looked exhausted. She ordered one fruit smoothie and I thought "I don't blame ya, lady. Get yourself a treat. You deserve it!" It was what came next that had me busting a gut. She then asked my mom for seven, yes- seven, straws. One for each kid. One smoothie- seven kids- free admission. Hilarious! Shoot- if you have seven kids all living under one roof, I am sure that they have shared a lot worse things than a little saliva. Why go for the separate straws? Just stick with one. You know that those straws are just going to become swords on the way home and the mini van is going to turn into an old world battle until some one gets their eye poked out. It is times like this that I think that two kids is enough. I think I need to go on a cruise, without the kids, so I can miss them. I will lay in the sun sipping a pina colada and talk about all the cute things that they do every day. Yup, I guess I need to talk to Jake. If he wants any more kids his only option is taking me on a get away vacation!